tasted of desire
by lord-is-it-mine
Summary: When they were young, as Loki remembers it, there would be days when they were inseparable. ((thorki. post- Avengers, pre- Thor 2))


_Fire and ice._

_It's always been like this._

When they were young, as Loki remembers it, there would be days when they were inseparable. Those days would turn to weeks and months- a mere moment in most lives, but an eternity to children- even those of nearly immortal blood. These times would be filled with daydreams, adventures, and later on, discoveries- the pushing of boundaries and the crossing of lines. These times were punctuated by the reminder that they were opposing forces- one the white heat of a star's core, the other the bleak cold of that same star's collapse.

On one such occasion, they had been off on one of their wanderings, putting the finishing touches on what they would later call their favourite hiding place (but what was really just a small cave near the south shore). They had returned home to find that their once shared room was now two separate ones on either side of a wall. Walls have not sat well with Loki since. Thor now devotes his power to their protection.

Of course in recent months, walls have become Loki's constant (and only) companion.

_It's always been like this._

In those days, the days after discovery, the two of them, fire and ice, were carted off by their father and mother respectively, to be taught the different disciplines befitting them. Thor of course learned the warrior's trade, and Loki took the name of trickster. But night after night, when they had barely seen each other and were sent off to bed, he still couldn't trick the wall between them into being anything other than so real and stone cold; cold in a way that even he could not understand nor become accustomed to.

_Brother, can you hear me?_ He would think, his palms pressed to the dividing line, attempting to envision the young prince on the other side of it. Mother had taught him just that morning that in the case of a powerful bond between two people, there could be a way of communicating without speaking. Of course Thor had only ever been the magical equivalent of a hammer (as in one that was not Mjolnir), so breaking through took some doing.

_If you can hear me, knock twice,_ he thought for the dozenth time, focusing all his will on each of the words.

Two knocks echoed through the wall and buzzed into his fingertips.

_Now answer me, in your mind, think hard and answer me._

_I miss your voice,_ came the reply, nearly audible but still so far off.

They talked all night- and every night after that, for the entire infinity in which they were kept apart. Around this time, Loki began to train in the art of conjuration, and so he no longer had to imagine the wall away; he could now hear his brother speaking softly into his ears as he drifted to sleep near dawn.

Now, he barely sleeps at all. As for dawn, he hasn't seen a sunrise in what could be thirty days or two thousand years- natural light no longer reaches him, down here in his prison cell. All the while he knows his brother takes the open sky for granted- as well as his blessed birthright. From his confinement, Loki tries and tries to shake off the hollow memories these walls present- but only succeeds in reminding himself of the days when the open sky was the touch of Thor's hands on his skin.

Finally, when he thinks it must be night somewhere above him, he attempts to resurrect and old tradition.

_Can you hear me, son of Odin? I suppose I can't ask you to knock twice, since it's much more than a wall that separates us now._

His heart knocks twice in his chest before he can perceive the answer, loud and clear inside his skull-

_I miss your voice._

_You can hear my voice, you fool._

_Only in my mind, brother._

Brother. The name rings with a biting chill along his spine and sets his teeth on edge.

_Why is it you still insist on calling me that?_

_It's what you were to me the last time we spoke this way. It's still what you are._

_Obviously 'brother' and 'lover' aren't always mutually exclusive,_ Loki remarks bitterly. _It could never be one or the other with you- it always had to be both. The first time I kissed you, I thought it was the end of our brotherhood,_ he recalls. _But even now, you still cling to it._

_We were so young._ Thor must be smiling fondly at this- the warmth of it resonates through his thoughts. _We still had to appear as brothers to the rest of the world- it was before we knew of our father's deception._

_**Your**__ father's deception._

_The first time you kissed me,_ Thor continues, ignoring the correction, _was the first time I caught sight of an ending I was never sure I wanted._

_Do I sense regret?_

_There is none._

_You tasted of desire,_ Loki remembers- _you smelled of iron and of dust and of the sun._

_You tasted the same,_ Thor answers_- you smelled of silver and of frost and of the stars._

_Bitter and sweet,_ Loki muses, closing his eyes to let the past overtake him. _Sweet at the time, but much more bitter in its aftertaste..._

It had been months since the wall had been built between them. Winter was coming to an end, and one particular night, the cloud cover had completely subsided, providing a break in the weather and enough stars to light the way down to the coast. Loki saw an opportunity, as he always did. He had been learning the trick of vanishing- it was a matter of fooling the very air around oneself into masking one's presence. He was, of course, a natural. And so once silence had fallen on the palace, he put his plan into action.

_Brother, are you awake?_ He asked.

_Of course._

_Unlock your door._

_Why?_

_Just do it._

Loki pressed his ear to the stone and listened for the sound of his brother's footsteps across the floor. He couldn't hear the latch click open but then-

_It's done._

The young trickster grinned and slid silently through his own doorway, his feet gliding along the marble tile beneath him as he snuck down the hall. He slipped inside his brother's room and, without warning, grabbed the other's hand and put a finger to his lips.

_Be silent. Don't let go of my hand, and you won't be seen._

Thor only nodded, walking slowly and gingerly behind the shorter boy, nearly cringing as if to try and hide behind him. At the end of the hall, there was a guard, posted outside their parent's chambers, but they avoided him easily as he paced back and forth before the doors. Two guards at the top of the staircase and two more at the bottom- Thor marvelled at Loki's ability to make them both disappear entirely. The last of the guards were at the front palace gates- their spears crossed over the doors which were now shut. Before he had time to wonder how they would get out, he was pulled off to the right, in between two of the enormous columns that made up the outer wall, and somehow pushed through the gap. He looked to Loki, who only had a proud glint in his eye.

From the palace, they ran down the steps into the city, followed the maze of streets south until they reached the edge- where the rocky cliffs began, jutting down and out into the endless sea. The cave, if Thor remembered correctly, was directly behind one of the spires that held up the bridge to the bifrost. The opening was easy to miss, just a small fissure in the rock that they had to slide through sideways. He remembered it being bigger- but perhaps it was he who had grown- had it really been that long? They went one at a time, and this was when Loki finally let go of his hand- this only inspired Thor to follow faster and retake it, an action to which there was no protest. After the opening was a short tunnel, one that turned three corners before opening up into a wide room of sorts- the ceiling consisted of spikes, the tips of which almost reached their heads. The floor was the same, with sharp rocks jutting upwards. They had to crouch and squeeze through in places, just barely able to see where they were headed. But finally they came to the one part of the cave where the ground was smooth.

When they had last been here, they had left blankets in two makeshift beds, and the makings of a fire. Thor went to work lighting one, and Loki pulled the two blankets together to make one. After the darkness had been dispelled, they wordlessly agreed to lie together in the flickering light.

"How long has it been?" Thor whispered, arms encircling Loki with practiced ease and familiarity. "You used to sleep beside me so often, when we were children, but now look at us- we have to escape our own home just to have any time together."

"Together. I like the sound of that." The younger hummed, absentmindedly tracing entire constellations onto the front of the elder's shirt with his fingertips. He glanced shyly up to see the way his brother was gazing down at him, and for a moment, he was completely lost from all worlds but the one their eyes created. He suddenly felt as though he was suspended in midair, floating somewhere far-off and underwater, outside of everything- tethered to reality only by the hands pressing into his spine.

_What is it, what's wrong?_

"Nothing. And you can actually_ speak_ to me now, you know."

_Why should it matter?_

"I'm rather fond of- it's the way your mouth moves, it-" Loki found himself preoccupied, staring intently at Thor's lips, his own ceasing to move as his train of thought was thoroughly derailed. His body moved moments ahead of his mind, his drawing fingers turning to fists in the material he then used to pull him down and seal their lips together, his eyes falling shut and losing sight of anything that had previously mattered. And when his mind caught up, there was still no hesitation in his movements, no lingering doubt- this was really what he wanted- and apparently it was what Thor wanted too- he tightened their embrace, the palms of his hands sweeping up and down the smaller boy's back and coming to rest on his hips. When it came time to breathe, there was only a momentary pause before they found each other's mouths again, opening up to one another as the press of lips became the slide of tongues.

_They can never know about this_, Loki decided, rolling onto his back and pulling the other on top of him.

_They never will_, Thor agreed, fingers finding the soft skin beneath his brother's clothes, mouth learning the lines of his throat. After that, distinct action was forgotten; both of them stopped keeping track of movement and began instead to keep count of their names being whispered and moaned and cried out between the two of them.

In the present, they find themselves both craving the touch they can now barely recollect.

_The morning after that was hectic, do you remember?_ Loki asks.

_How could I forget? They must have thought we'd been taken from our beds; they were in such an uproar. The whole city guard was out searching for us. _

_Mother was livid_, Loki is reminded. _Sif was nearly in hysterics. Father was outraged._

_**My**__ father_, Thor corrects him, laughing a laugh which fades through his mind like a wave and dies.

That was the morning they'd left. Odin had taken Thor, whisked him off to far corners of the nine realms, to show him the lands and the people he would one day be ruler over. By the time he'd returned, he was barely recognisable as the boy who once stowed sweet secrets in caves with his younger brother- he was a prince and a warrior whose only thought was to fight and conquer.

_Odin knew what I was, and what I would become- he saw the path we'd put ourselves on, even if we'd done our best to hide it. He knew. He took you away to fill your head with things he deemed safer. He was right about me, of course. Born a monster, the thing we used to hear stories about, and in the end, that's all I've done; I've become what I was born to be._

_Brother-_

_I am not your brother!_

_Loki._

Silence.

_You were gone for such a long time_. _So far out of my reach. I used to lie awake at night, and think of you; I would write endless letters in my mind and wait for your reply. It never came._

_I thought of you constantly_, Thor admits._ I never let my memories stray far from you, from that cave, from that night. I don't think I ever loved you more than all the time we were apart._

Loki smiles.

_I used to conjure up visions of you, as you were before you left. I used to close my eyes and pretend my own hands were yours. _

The breath catches in Thor's throat- he longs to run, to take them far from Asgard, even far from their once safe hiding place.

But it is more than walls that separate them now.

_Fire and ice._

_It's always been like this._


End file.
